I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
