Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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