I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
