My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
