The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
