Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
