One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
