I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
