If that was your dad, he is hot
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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