We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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