i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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