The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
