saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
