I'm passing your future prison.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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