Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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