Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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