Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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