Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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