im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
