Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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