we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
