Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
sarcasm needs its own font
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
