I cannot find my penis.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
