I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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