I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I am one with the molecules
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
