she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
