Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
