i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
