I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
