I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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