She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
