Don't you send me to vm
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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