Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
