dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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