how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
