Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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