I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
