You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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