i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
