I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
