I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
