so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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