omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
