they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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