Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
