I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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