so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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