Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
