You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
