What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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