I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
