Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
